ponderings and musings

ticked off

2011-07-16T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm mad and frustrated, and as it seems no one reads this, I shall vent away. I have a lot of regret in regards to a few individuals. Right now, I'm just feeling angry, gipped, pissed off, and lonely...did I mention angry? I feel like things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to, and I got screwed in the process. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of everyone around me coming up with something that's "worse" and disallowing me to be unhappy with my lot. Or, it gets completely flipped and people want to know "what I'm doing about it" and want to give me their 2 cents as to how I should go about "fixing it."

I'm SICK of people treating me like my singleness is some sort of contagious disease.

I'm SICK of feeling worthless.

I'm SICK of people asking me what I'm trying to find a man, like it's the only way I'm ever going to be happy.

You know what?

I DON'T NEED a man, and I DON'T NEED your negative attitude.

I DON'T NEED you to feed my insecurities and my loneliness.

Don't give that power.

Stop it. Stop treating me like a leper and BE MY FRIEND!!!!

Is that so hard??? Is it?

If it is, then GO AWAY! I don't need you around.

I have enough to deal with. Unless you have something positive to say,

LEAVE ME ALONE.

2011-05-27T19:52:00.001-07:00

I've never been so sad in all my life. There are so many reasons. I don't think I could list them all and get them all out without sounding ridiculous. Then, I think, maybe it is ridiculous. My life isn't so bad. But, then why am I so miserable? I try to choose to be happy...what a load of crap that is. I feel like I did everything backwards and I've just never fit in. I finally have a place of my own where people can hang out, but no one wants to come. When people wanted to come, I didn't have a place to offer them. Everyone...quite literally...EVERYONE around me is having babies...I don't even have a boyfriend. I'm fat. I'm constantly tired. I don't have time to do anything I want to do, and even if I did, I wouldn't have anyone to do it with. My house is in desperate need of help. It looks like a refugee camp, not a home. It's my home. I want it to be beautiful. I want people to want to be here; to be comfortable; to be welcome.

loneliness

2011-05-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

Loneliness

it happens to all of us

I'm so tired of feeling this way

I know I'm not the only one

I know others have it worse

I'm just so tired of going it alone.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Like I have no help.

Like no one cares.

Like I have no one to help carry the load.

My load is heavy,

it may not be as heavy as yours,

but I'm not as strong as I pretend to be.

Just because you're struggling, doesn't mean I'm not struggling too.

I just wish someone could help

Someone could listen

Someone could hug me while I cried a while....

Just to have that connection

With someone...

but

not just anyone

I want it so badly.

I don't want to spend my youth alone

I want to enjoy it

This is the time when I'm supposed to really be living

Playing

Exploring

Loving

Embracing

Desiring

but...I spend it alone.

I've never felt so

alone

2011-03-20T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated. Just frustrated. I feel like I haven't made a dent on anything I want to accomplish and I'm nearing my 34th birthday. I'm overweight, sad, barely getting through each day, the only thing that makes me smile lately is my dog and a good joke now and then...otherwise, I'm miserable. I don't even care about checking the grammar on this entry. I don't really care about much of anything to be honest. I'm going through the motions, begrudgingly. I do it because I don't have another choice.

43 things

2011-01-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

So,

I have a list of 37 things on 43things.com. One of them is to do something different every month this year. I have January covered. I went to the Griffith Observatory for the first time, took Lilly to a new park where she met lots of potential friends, and I went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for the first time. I need a plan for the rest of the year...

Suggestions welcome:

Wait

2011-01-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

So,

I've been in sort of a bad place. I've been incredibly sad, and felt like I had no one to talk to. I know I'm not the only single 30 something (or even 40 something) out there, but sometimes it feels that way. It seems every sermon at church (my regular church, or even churches I've been visiting) the message is always the same:

Wait.

I want to scream out, "I don't want to wait! Nobody else has to! Why do I have to?" I know God would be completely okay with me shouting that, but I'm not ready to hear what He would have to say to me afterward...I'm betting it'll be, "wait."

I guess that would be better than, "get over it. It's not going to happen. You're wasting your time." Which is what I often think He will say. Then that leads me to think that I really should just focus on something else, because what if I am wasting my time praying, asking, longing for a family of my own? Which then sends me into a tailspin of, "it's because I'm not good enough. I have too hot of a temper, I'm too fat, I'm undesirable, etc." It gets ugly.

The funny thing is, that I am waiting, whether I want to or not. I can scream and yell and say, "I don't want to" all I want...but the truth is...nothing's happening, so I AM waiting. When God asks us to wait, I think He's really saying, "Be patient. Don't dwell. Live life in the now and focus on today."

Anyway, I've been stuck in that cycle for some time, and this weekend, I was able to pull my head out of the sand for a second and see some options...thanks to a few unlikely people. :)

Option 1: Accept that it might not happen, and ask God to show me what He has for me.

Option 2: Sit and wallow and waste even more of my life on useless things.

Clearly, option 1 is my best choice. I need to snap out of it. I need to trust Him. I need to stop making plans because they NEVER happen. I wonder how often God laughs at me. :) It's hard to let go though. I'm afraid that by letting go, it means it won't happen, but I can't sit around wondering, thinking about it, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what's wrong with me and why I can't find someone...it's too depressing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life waiting for something that may never be. So, time to focus on the now...

Thank you God for all You have given me. I never want to seem ungrateful. You've given me so much, and You always provide my needs. I love You and want what You want for me. So, here I am before You, kneeling again at the foot of the cross, open minded, ready for Your call. I'm listening.

Your daughter,

Kelly

New Years List 2010

2010-12-31T16:24:00.000-08:00

2010

I’m thankful for: (in no particular order)

• a home of my own! It was a long road, but God blessed me. I’d love to tell you the full story. Just ask me.
• a wonderful dog
• new friends
• reconnecting with old friends
• Lots of friends having babies
• New beginnings
• Second chances
• God’s forgiveness ☺
• God’s provision!!
• The fact that I have so much to do all the time that I’m constantly exhausted. I’d like sleep, but I can’t complain that I have
so many people to see and be with that I never have a moment’s rest. ☺ I love them too.
• My dad survived a heart attack and took it seriously. He’s lost so much weight. ☺
• My mom’s support. She’s been such a huge support this year.
• Did I mention my dog? ☺
• My own kitchen…even though it’s the size of a closet..it’s still mine
• A job that pays for it all and provides me with a sense of purpose..most of the time! LOL
• Opportunities to sing!!!

2011

What I’d like to be thankful for:

o A fiancée? Is that too grand?
o New flooring
o A “window” in my kitchen
o New paint
o New patio
o A real vacation...Spain anyone?
o A CGC certified dog. ☺
o Finding a way to be pleasing and pleasant while still sticking up for myself
o Finding a way to stick up for myself without going overboard, and without bottling it waiting until I’m so frustrated that I
blow.
o Finding a way to manage my time so I can do my job well, be a good mom to Lilly, have time for me, and time for my
friends and family.
o More opportunities to sing. ☺
o That I learned to play guitar. ☺

note to self: apply brakes often

2010-12-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

I learned a lot in the past couple of years. I mean, I always knew this, but I've really seen the value in this particular lesson: Apply the brakes often. Stop and check and see if what you are doing is aligned with your long term goals. If it's not, stop! Sounds simple, right? Yeah, I wish it was that easy too. Sometimes it's really hard to stop. Once you've started something, there are other people involved, so stopping often involves letting someone else down, or even hurting them. I find that very difficult to do, so sometimes I end up doing things that I don't want to do...

or let's be frank.

I often end up spending far too much time with the wrong guys because I don't want to hurt them. They're usually really nice guys too, which leaves me feeling shallow, or mean...but I can't force myself to feel something I don't. This has made dating really hard for me. I often just push guys away before I really get to know them because I'm afraid of getting in too deep and not being able to say something when it's not working out. Are there classes for that? HAHA! That's really something we should teach in Jr. High...

This applies at work too. I often get wrapped up in projects that I really don't care about, or have little experience in...but I don't want to look "stupid" or look like I'm not a "team player," so I do it. I kill myself doing it because it takes far more effort to do things you know or care little about and do them well. Since I certainly don't want to appear as if I don't know what I'm doing, I work my butt off to get it done. In the meantime, the things I'd really like to be doing, and can do well, take a back burner, and end up not coming out as great as I'd envisioned them.

So...apply

brakes

often.

Next, learn how to say no! :)

How to get a dog

2010-05-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

"I wouldn't have it any other way!"

How I did it: It's been an adventure and a half! Woah! Puppy raising is like having a baby! It's a lot of work, but totally worth it. My friend's dog had puppies, and I fell in love with the runt. I wanted to get a rescue from a pound, but since she's a pit bull...she would have eventually been a rescue anyway. She's incredibly hyper and a nut, so I'm sure she would have been given up at some point. I even thought about it a time or two, but only for a second, and I always came back to the fact that I just love my little girl. :)

Lessons & tips: Dog training. Dog training. Dog training.

Resources: PetCo

It took me 12 weeks.

It made me

See more progress on: Get a dog

How to buy a House

2010-04-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

"God ordained!"

How I did it: I lost my job while in escrow on my first house. So I stopped the entire process altogether. I was frustrated because I'd prayed so hard before beginning the journey to make sure it was a part of God's plan for my life before I even began. See, I've learned that when I try to make things happen that aren't in His plan, I go through a lot of frustration and disappointment for no reason...

Anyway, I kept praying and I really felt like this was still in His plan for my life. And lo, and behold, when I thought my job as an educator had no future in California, He brought me to another school in my district (teaching 8th Grade English instead of 3rd grade), not only do I love it, I have made a ton of great friends, my job is more secure than ever, and I found a great house just 10 minutes away. He then brought me the sweetest little dog ever, so I wouldn't have to do it alone. :) I love Him and am forever grateful for the blessings I received. Can I get an Amen? :)

Lessons & tips: Just look, look, look. Don't get discouraged, and don't settle. I wish I'd held out for a bigger kitchen, but I was tired of looking, and was running out of time for the first time homebuyers tax credit. In the long run though, I think I will hold out next time. Also, I didn't want to pay closing costs and I lost out on a few great places because of it...and in the end, I had to pay them...So, I'd say, if you have it, don't ask the seller to pay them. You'll get a better deal if you pay them yourself. Also, you won't get any of the bank owned properties asking for closing costs.

Resources: My realtor, Pat Sargent. She's the mother of my oldest friend. I've known her for 25 years. She's incredibly patient and looks out for what you really want in a home. She's all about you, and not about the sale. Let me know if you want her info. :)

It took me 2 years.

It made me

See more progress on: Buy a house

What happened to our leaders?

2010-02-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

I've decided why Edward Cullen is so attractive to so many women. I think it's because he's always the one forcing Bella to do the right thing. He watches out for her moral center, her honor, her well being: emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. He weights out the pros and cons, and determines the best course of action. He doesn't act on raw emotion, but rather considers the consequences of his actions. That's the way it was meant to be. The man as the leader. I think we (women) innately want that. We want the man to be in control, to be able to trust him in the decisions he makes. He should be the one guiding us and protecting us. Edward protects Bella physically, but he also works to protect her honor, her feelings, all of her. We've lost this in our society. Women have become the ones who have to say no, stop, it's too far, too much...why? What has happened to the men? It isn't our job, yet we've been forced into that role. We're not effective here...We have a different role to fulfill, and we're taking on too much. I don't want a man I constantly have to say no to. I want him to say no. I want him to be in charge of what's wrong and what's right. I want to trust him with all of me. That's how it is meant to be.

disappointed

2010-02-11T20:40:00.000-08:00

I am very disappointed in my behavior lately: letting myself jump into things without thinking; letting my mouth run without a filter; allowing "little" things to slide, and then they end up creating big problems. This isn't the me I want to be. This isn't the girl I want people to think of when they think of me. I have not been presenting myself well. The bummer part is, I've been presenting this girl to new people in my life. My old friends would say, "Hey, what's up with you?" But, these new friends don't know better. They think I AM this girl. I have some damage control to do...

I'm going to start now. I'm going to pick up the book I was reading, leave the TV off, do some reflection, and spend time with the One who can change me, mold me, and make me new. :) The One who won't judge me for being a moron. The One who will love me still. The One who will forgive me for acting like a fool. :) I <3 Him.

For my sisters:

2010-01-18T08:43:00.000-08:00

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek Him to find her."

Oh Lord, help me to be that woman. Help me to not jump without looking. Help me to seek You in ever choice I make.

I was listening to a song by Barlow Girl yesterday. The first verse in the song that was like a punch in the stomach:

"Oh, tragedy has taken so many
Love lost cuz they all forgot who You are
And it scares me to think, that I would choose my life over you
Oh my selfish heart, divides me from you. It tears us apart."

I have made choices over and over again that tear me apart from God. As I hook myself in closer with Him, I find it easier to resist the temptations that draw me away from Him. However, I fear that I will do it again. I probably will. I am human and weak after all. It's easier, not easy. However, I'm a bit stronger now because I've learned that I need my friends to keep me accountable. I haven't allowed that in the past. I've lived my life hiding my weaknesses, hoping no one will know. (Ha, I've also learned, I wasn't hiding a THING!) I've learned that by hiding, I simply allow myself to make bad choices.

I have learned that I can't do it alone.
I need friendships with women who are hooked into God to throw up red flags,
to give gentle reminders of truth and wisdom,
and if that doesn't work, to grab my face and turn it back toward God!

I know that all of you have tried, and I love you for it. Thank you for your unending patience and acceptance. You have been the best friends a girl could ask for. I am so blessed to have such amazing women in my life.

I hope that I can do the same for you. Ladies, it is together that we can overcome obstacles in our lives. He designed us for fellowship. He didn't ask us to do it alone. Yes, of course, we need to live out life walking with God, but we need to walk with other Christians as well. So, I'm going to work on honesty and openness with my friends. There is fear in this for me. But, I know it's worth it. :)

Love you ladies!

Kelly

Romance with a Savior

2010-01-02T14:21:00.001-08:00

I ended 2009 by reading the Twilight Saga. It awakened in me a deep rooted desire, a desire for romance in my life. It has always been there, but I shrug it off every day and try to go about my daily life, afraid to think of it for too long, for it might pull me under and I might never leave the state of depression awaiting me there. I spent a few weeks in that depression while reading the books and for a while after. I know in my head that the romance in those books are nothing compared to the romance of real life, but my heart longs for it regardless.

I picked up a book a few months ago called, "Settling for Less than God's Best?" I started reading in the other day, and it revealed to me some truth I'd heard before. I can have a perfect romance...with my Savior. Which is funny, because after reading the Twilight Saga, I remember thinking, "No man on Earth can love the way Edward does...well, except for Jesus." But I've always shrugged off this idea too. Isn't he my "Father." That's weird. Besides, He doesn't have real arms to hold me, or real hands to brush my cheek...or does He? But truly, Jesus is the only one who can love me the way I long to be loved. He is the only one who will love me despite my shortcomings, despite my constant rejection of Him, despite my wickedness and shameful displays. So, because He loves me, and I long so much for that deep, meaningful, never-ending perfect love, I have made a decision. I will dive-in, head first into that love, and will do my best to make Jesus my first love.

Jesus, I pray that you give me a heart after your heart. Give me a passion for you so strong that no earthly man will be able to shake it. So that when my earthly husband shows up in my life, I'll be able to hold on tight to you and make the choices you would have me make. Guide me in the areas of my life that need healing and pruning. Give me the strength to come to you instead of run away when I fail. Give me a love so strong for you that I brag about you everywhere I go. I love you Jesus. Thank you for loving me first.

Forgiveness

2009-10-24T21:10:00.001-07:00

I wrote this back in October and never posted it. So, here it is...I think it's a good way to start the New Year.

I tell people all the time, that God forgives everyone. That we, as believers who have given our lives to the Father, and asked for His forgiveness

We should not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:6-7)

If we delight in the Lord, he will give us the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

If we ask for forgiveness, we are truly forgiven. He does not see our sin, we have been washed clean. I tell other people that their sins are forgiven, and that God will bless their lives and provide for their needs, and comfort them, and answer their prayers, and hold their lives in His hands in such a way that no harm will come to them...but I never believed it for me. I thought, God loves all those other people more than me. They haven't done the things I've done. They deserve to be forgiven. It wasn't until recently, that I realized...I was calling God a liar. Did He not say, come to me and I will forgive you? Why, even though I thank Him everyday for forgiving me, did I think that He would not then treat me as if I was forgiven? Do you forgive your friend, and then treat them poorly, or do you love them and treat them as your friend? If I can forgive others, certainly God can do a better job than me. Certainly He wants to love me and knows I'm sorry, and will treat me like His child. Sure, I'll slip up and have to ask for forgivness time and time again, but I am His child. Why would he bless the rest of His children and not me? It's pretty dumb, now that I think about it. I need to forgive myself and quit looking backwards. All that does is leave me standing in the road facing the wrong way. I need to turn around, face forward and start walking with Him. Imagine what can be up ahead!

2009-10-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

I don’t know that I agree with this statement in its entirety. Some mornings I say, “Good morning, Lord.” I feel great, and I’m ready to attack the day with fervor and passion. Other days, I am beat down by the wear and tear of the daily grind. I feel worn and ineffective. These days I say, “Good Lord, it’s morning?!? Can’t I just sleep a little longer?” I often feel guilty about that, especially when I see quotes like these. I enjoy reading quotes, and welcome their words of wisdom and inspiration. However, I resent their need to make me feel inferior, or as if I’m doing something wrong. I work hard, as many women my age do. Occasionally, we’re going to get tired. The victory comes when we’re still looking to the Lord to get us through the day. So, on days when you say, “Good Lord, it’s morning,” focus on the fact that you turned to our Father for a little help and guidance, and don’t beat yourself up for it. Focus on Him and He’ll pull us through all of our trials and tribulations…and don’t be shocked if He teaches you a thing or two along the way. J

God is faithful

2009-07-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

I sit here tonight thinking about what the future holds for me. I am a teacher. I have taught for eight years. I have a Master's Degree in Reading, and hold 2 credentials. I am taking a class and studying for a test to get yet another credential in hopes that it will help me find a job. Yes, a job. I was laid off due to budget constraints. I have no idea where to go from here. I have officially received my last paycheck, and I have a savings account to get me through the summer. Come September, I will not have health insurance or an income of any kind. I must remember now more than ever that God is faithful. He has always been, and He will always be.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Philippians 4:4-7 (New International Version)

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19 (New International Version)

¹⁹And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

Do Not Worry

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]}?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I will hold onto these words of truth tightly over the next few months. I have no idea what God will do, but I must be faithful and believe that He will do something. I am a bit excited about this, because I am in a perfect place for God to do ANYTHING. Not that He couldn't anyway, but I'm wide open. I just pray that my faith remains steady and firm. :)

Thank you Jesus for all that you have done in my life, and for all that you will do. I love you, and I couldn't do any of this without you. :)

I don't know how to not be real

2009-03-01T18:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know how. I don't know how to turn off my emotions. I don't know how to be less transparent. I wish I did. I wish that I could get my feelings hurt and have a rational reaction. I wish I could be less transparent. I don't know how. What you see is what you get. I have been trying to practice controlling it, and not letting people see what I'm thinking sprawled across my face. The more I try that, the more I get confronted by people wanting to know what I'm thinking. This leads to embarrassing moments of erupting emotions at the worst possible time, in the worst possible place, and usually with plenty of witnesses.

I think I have become much better at this, however, I struggle with the idea of being fake. I want to be real. I don't want to mask my feelings or emotions and appear phony. But, should I? People don't like it when you're too real, too transparent. Some people aren't trustworthy enough to share that with, and honestly, some people just don't care. Which is fine. Sometimes, I don't care.

I want to be able to be real with people, and talk about things that really matter. I don't want to waste time playing games and expecting people to figure me out and me trying to figure them out. We only get one life. I don't want to waste my time with stuff like that. I guess there's a fine line there somewhere that I just need to find and walk.