I'm frustrated. Just frustrated. I feel like I haven't made a dent on anything I want to accomplish and I'm nearing my 34th birthday. I'm overweight, sad, barely getting through each day, the only thing that makes me smile lately is my dog and a good joke now and then...otherwise, I'm miserable. I don't even care about checking the grammar on this entry. I don't really care about much of anything to be honest. I'm going through the motions, begrudgingly. I do it because I don't have another choice.

43 things

So,

I have a list of 37 things on 43things.com. One of them is to do something different every month this year. I have January covered. I went to the Griffith Observatory for the first time, took Lilly to a new park where she met lots of potential friends, and I went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for the first time. I need a plan for the rest of the year...

Suggestions welcome:

~K

Wait

So,

I've been in sort of a bad place. I've been incredibly sad, and felt like I had no one to talk to. I know I'm not the only single 30 something (or even 40 something) out there, but sometimes it feels that way. It seems every sermon at church (my regular church, or even churches I've been visiting) the message is always the same:

Wait.

I want to scream out, "I don't want to wait! Nobody else has to! Why do I have to?" I know God would be completely okay with me shouting that, but I'm not ready to hear what He would have to say to me afterward...I'm betting it'll be, "wait."

I guess that would be better than, "get over it. It's not going to happen. You're wasting your time." Which is what I often think He will say. Then that leads me to think that I really should just focus on something else, because what if I am wasting my time praying, asking, longing for a family of my own? Which then sends me into a tailspin of, "it's because I'm not good enough. I have too hot of a temper, I'm too fat, I'm undesirable, etc." It gets ugly.

The funny thing is, that I am waiting, whether I want to or not. I can scream and yell and say, "I don't want to" all I want...but the truth is...nothing's happening, so I AM waiting. When God asks us to wait, I think He's really saying, "Be patient. Don't dwell. Live life in the now and focus on today."

Anyway, I've been stuck in that cycle for some time, and this weekend, I was able to pull my head out of the sand for a second and see some options...thanks to a few unlikely people. :)

Option 1: Accept that it might not happen, and ask God to show me what He has for me.

Option 2: Sit and wallow and waste even more of my life on useless things.

Clearly, option 1 is my best choice. I need to snap out of it. I need to trust Him. I need to stop making plans because they NEVER happen. I wonder how often God laughs at me. :) It's hard to let go though. I'm afraid that by letting go, it means it won't happen, but I can't sit around wondering, thinking about it, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what's wrong with me and why I can't find someone...it's too depressing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life waiting for something that may never be. So, time to focus on the now...

Thank you God for all You have given me. I never want to seem ungrateful. You've given me so much, and You always provide my needs. I love You and want what You want for me. So, here I am before You, kneeling again at the foot of the cross, open minded, ready for Your call. I'm listening.

Your daughter,

Kelly

New Years List 2010

2010

I’m thankful for: (in no particular order)

• a home of my own! It was a long road, but God blessed me. I’d love to tell you the full story. Just ask me.
• a wonderful dog
• new friends
• reconnecting with old friends
• Lots of friends having babies
• New beginnings
• Second chances
• God’s forgiveness ☺
• God’s provision!!
• The fact that I have so much to do all the time that I’m constantly exhausted. I’d like sleep, but I can’t complain that I have
so many people to see and be with that I never have a moment’s rest. ☺ I love them too.
• My dad survived a heart attack and took it seriously. He’s lost so much weight. ☺
• My mom’s support. She’s been such a huge support this year.
• Did I mention my dog? ☺
• My own kitchen…even though it’s the size of a closet..it’s still mine
• A job that pays for it all and provides me with a sense of purpose..most of the time! LOL
• Opportunities to sing!!!


2011

What I’d like to be thankful for:

o A fiancée? Is that too grand?
o New flooring
o A “window” in my kitchen
o New paint
o New patio
o A real vacation...Spain anyone?
o A CGC certified dog. ☺
o Finding a way to be pleasing and pleasant while still sticking up for myself
o Finding a way to stick up for myself without going overboard, and without bottling it waiting until I’m so frustrated that I
blow.
o Finding a way to manage my time so I can do my job well, be a good mom to Lilly, have time for me, and time for my
friends and family.
o More opportunities to sing. ☺
o That I learned to play guitar. ☺

note to self: apply brakes often

I learned a lot in the past couple of years. I mean, I always knew this, but I've really seen the value in this particular lesson: Apply the brakes often. Stop and check and see if what you are doing is aligned with your long term goals. If it's not, stop! Sounds simple, right? Yeah, I wish it was that easy too. Sometimes it's really hard to stop. Once you've started something, there are other people involved, so stopping often involves letting someone else down, or even hurting them. I find that very difficult to do, so sometimes I end up doing things that I don't want to do...

or let's be frank.

I often end up spending far too much time with the wrong guys because I don't want to hurt them. They're usually really nice guys too, which leaves me feeling shallow, or mean...but I can't force myself to feel something I don't. This has made dating really hard for me. I often just push guys away before I really get to know them because I'm afraid of getting in too deep and not being able to say something when it's not working out. Are there classes for that? HAHA! That's really something we should teach in Jr. High...

This applies at work too. I often get wrapped up in projects that I really don't care about, or have little experience in...but I don't want to look "stupid" or look like I'm not a "team player," so I do it. I kill myself doing it because it takes far more effort to do things you know or care little about and do them well. Since I certainly don't want to appear as if I don't know what I'm doing, I work my butt off to get it done. In the meantime, the things I'd really like to be doing, and can do well, take a back burner, and end up not coming out as great as I'd envisioned them.

So...apply

brakes

often.

Next, learn how to say no! :)

How to get a dog

"I wouldn't have it any other way!"

How I did it: It's been an adventure and a half!  Woah!  Puppy raising is like having a baby!  It's a lot of work, but totally worth it.  My friend's dog had puppies, and I fell in love with the runt.  I wanted to get a rescue from a pound, but since she's a pit bull...she would have eventually been a rescue anyway.  She's incredibly hyper and a nut, so I'm sure she would have been given up at some point.  I even thought about it a time or two, but only for a second, and I always came back to the fact that I just love my little girl. :)  

Lessons & tips: Dog training.  Dog training. Dog training.  

Resources: PetCo

It took me 12 weeks.

It made me

See more progress on: Get a dog

How to buy a House

"God ordained!"

How I did it: I lost my job while in escrow on my first house.  So I stopped the entire process altogether.  I was frustrated because I'd prayed so hard before beginning the journey to make sure it was a part of God's plan for my life before I even began.  See, I've learned that when I try to make things happen that aren't in His plan, I go through a lot of frustration and disappointment for no reason...

Anyway, I kept praying and I really felt like this was still in His plan for my life.  And lo, and behold, when I thought my job as an educator had no future in California, He brought me to another school in my district (teaching 8th Grade English instead of 3rd grade), not only do I love it, I have made a ton of great friends, my job is more secure than ever, and I found a great house just 10 minutes away.  He then brought me the sweetest little dog ever, so I wouldn't have to do it alone. :)  I love Him and am forever grateful for the blessings I received.  Can I get an Amen?  :)

Lessons & tips: Just look, look, look.  Don't get discouraged, and don't settle.  I wish I'd held out for a bigger kitchen, but I was tired of looking, and was running out of time for the first time homebuyers tax credit.  In the long run though, I think I will hold out next time.  Also, I didn't want to pay closing costs and I lost out on a few great places because of it...and in the end, I had to pay them...So, I'd say, if you have it, don't ask the seller to pay them.  You'll get a better deal if you pay them yourself.  Also, you won't get any of the bank owned properties asking for closing costs.  

Resources: My realtor, Pat Sargent.  She's the mother of my oldest friend.  I've known her for 25 years.  She's incredibly patient and looks out for what you really want in a home. She's all about you, and not about the sale.  Let me know if you want her info. :)

It took me 2 years.

It made me

See more progress on: Buy a house