I've never been so sad in all my life. There are so many reasons. I don't think I could list them all and get them all out without sounding ridiculous. Then, I think, maybe it is ridiculous. My life isn't so bad. But, then why am I so miserable? I try to choose to be happy...what a load of crap that is. I feel like I did everything backwards and I've just never fit in. I finally have a place of my own where people can hang out, but no one wants to come. When people wanted to come, I didn't have a place to offer them. Everyone...quite literally...EVERYONE around me is having babies...I don't even have a boyfriend. I'm fat. I'm constantly tired. I don't have time to do anything I want to do, and even if I did, I wouldn't have anyone to do it with. My house is in desperate need of help. It looks like a refugee camp, not a home. It's my home. I want it to be beautiful. I want people to want to be here; to be comfortable; to be welcome.

loneliness

Loneliness

it happens to all of us

I'm so tired of feeling this way

I know I'm not the only one

I know others have it worse

I'm just so tired of going it alone.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Like I have no help.

Like no one cares.

Like I have no one to help carry the load.

My load is heavy,

it may not be as heavy as yours,

but I'm not as strong as I pretend to be.

Just because you're struggling, doesn't mean I'm not struggling too.

I just wish someone could help

Someone could listen

Someone could hug me while I cried a while....

Just to have that connection

With someone...

but

not just anyone

I want it so badly.

I don't want to spend my youth alone

I want to enjoy it

This is the time when I'm supposed to really be living

Playing

Exploring

Loving

Embracing

Desiring

but...I spend it alone.

I've never felt so

alone

I'm frustrated. Just frustrated. I feel like I haven't made a dent on anything I want to accomplish and I'm nearing my 34th birthday. I'm overweight, sad, barely getting through each day, the only thing that makes me smile lately is my dog and a good joke now and then...otherwise, I'm miserable. I don't even care about checking the grammar on this entry. I don't really care about much of anything to be honest. I'm going through the motions, begrudgingly. I do it because I don't have another choice.

43 things

So,

I have a list of 37 things on 43things.com. One of them is to do something different every month this year. I have January covered. I went to the Griffith Observatory for the first time, took Lilly to a new park where she met lots of potential friends, and I went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles for the first time. I need a plan for the rest of the year...

Suggestions welcome:

~K

Wait

So,

I've been in sort of a bad place. I've been incredibly sad, and felt like I had no one to talk to. I know I'm not the only single 30 something (or even 40 something) out there, but sometimes it feels that way. It seems every sermon at church (my regular church, or even churches I've been visiting) the message is always the same:

Wait.

I want to scream out, "I don't want to wait! Nobody else has to! Why do I have to?" I know God would be completely okay with me shouting that, but I'm not ready to hear what He would have to say to me afterward...I'm betting it'll be, "wait."

I guess that would be better than, "get over it. It's not going to happen. You're wasting your time." Which is what I often think He will say. Then that leads me to think that I really should just focus on something else, because what if I am wasting my time praying, asking, longing for a family of my own? Which then sends me into a tailspin of, "it's because I'm not good enough. I have too hot of a temper, I'm too fat, I'm undesirable, etc." It gets ugly.

The funny thing is, that I am waiting, whether I want to or not. I can scream and yell and say, "I don't want to" all I want...but the truth is...nothing's happening, so I AM waiting. When God asks us to wait, I think He's really saying, "Be patient. Don't dwell. Live life in the now and focus on today."

Anyway, I've been stuck in that cycle for some time, and this weekend, I was able to pull my head out of the sand for a second and see some options...thanks to a few unlikely people. :)

Option 1: Accept that it might not happen, and ask God to show me what He has for me.

Option 2: Sit and wallow and waste even more of my life on useless things.

Clearly, option 1 is my best choice. I need to snap out of it. I need to trust Him. I need to stop making plans because they NEVER happen. I wonder how often God laughs at me. :) It's hard to let go though. I'm afraid that by letting go, it means it won't happen, but I can't sit around wondering, thinking about it, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what's wrong with me and why I can't find someone...it's too depressing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life waiting for something that may never be. So, time to focus on the now...

Thank you God for all You have given me. I never want to seem ungrateful. You've given me so much, and You always provide my needs. I love You and want what You want for me. So, here I am before You, kneeling again at the foot of the cross, open minded, ready for Your call. I'm listening.

Your daughter,

Kelly

New Years List 2010

2010

I’m thankful for: (in no particular order)

• a home of my own! It was a long road, but God blessed me. I’d love to tell you the full story. Just ask me.
• a wonderful dog
• new friends
• reconnecting with old friends
• Lots of friends having babies
• New beginnings
• Second chances
• God’s forgiveness ☺
• God’s provision!!
• The fact that I have so much to do all the time that I’m constantly exhausted. I’d like sleep, but I can’t complain that I have
so many people to see and be with that I never have a moment’s rest. ☺ I love them too.
• My dad survived a heart attack and took it seriously. He’s lost so much weight. ☺
• My mom’s support. She’s been such a huge support this year.
• Did I mention my dog? ☺
• My own kitchen…even though it’s the size of a closet..it’s still mine
• A job that pays for it all and provides me with a sense of purpose..most of the time! LOL
• Opportunities to sing!!!


2011

What I’d like to be thankful for:

o A fiancée? Is that too grand?
o New flooring
o A “window” in my kitchen
o New paint
o New patio
o A real vacation...Spain anyone?
o A CGC certified dog. ☺
o Finding a way to be pleasing and pleasant while still sticking up for myself
o Finding a way to stick up for myself without going overboard, and without bottling it waiting until I’m so frustrated that I
blow.
o Finding a way to manage my time so I can do my job well, be a good mom to Lilly, have time for me, and time for my
friends and family.
o More opportunities to sing. ☺
o That I learned to play guitar. ☺

note to self: apply brakes often

I learned a lot in the past couple of years. I mean, I always knew this, but I've really seen the value in this particular lesson: Apply the brakes often. Stop and check and see if what you are doing is aligned with your long term goals. If it's not, stop! Sounds simple, right? Yeah, I wish it was that easy too. Sometimes it's really hard to stop. Once you've started something, there are other people involved, so stopping often involves letting someone else down, or even hurting them. I find that very difficult to do, so sometimes I end up doing things that I don't want to do...

or let's be frank.

I often end up spending far too much time with the wrong guys because I don't want to hurt them. They're usually really nice guys too, which leaves me feeling shallow, or mean...but I can't force myself to feel something I don't. This has made dating really hard for me. I often just push guys away before I really get to know them because I'm afraid of getting in too deep and not being able to say something when it's not working out. Are there classes for that? HAHA! That's really something we should teach in Jr. High...

This applies at work too. I often get wrapped up in projects that I really don't care about, or have little experience in...but I don't want to look "stupid" or look like I'm not a "team player," so I do it. I kill myself doing it because it takes far more effort to do things you know or care little about and do them well. Since I certainly don't want to appear as if I don't know what I'm doing, I work my butt off to get it done. In the meantime, the things I'd really like to be doing, and can do well, take a back burner, and end up not coming out as great as I'd envisioned them.

So...apply

brakes

often.

Next, learn how to say no! :)