So,
I've been in sort of a bad place. I've been incredibly sad, and felt like I had no one to talk to. I know I'm not the only single 30 something (or even 40 something) out there, but sometimes it feels that way. It seems every sermon at church (my regular church, or even churches I've been visiting) the message is always the same:
Wait.
I want to scream out, "I don't want to wait! Nobody else has to! Why do I have to?" I know God would be completely okay with me shouting that, but I'm not ready to hear what He would have to say to me afterward...I'm betting it'll be, "wait."
I guess that would be better than, "get over it. It's not going to happen. You're wasting your time." Which is what I often think He will say. Then that leads me to think that I really should just focus on something else, because what if I am wasting my time praying, asking, longing for a family of my own? Which then sends me into a tailspin of, "it's because I'm not good enough. I have too hot of a temper, I'm too fat, I'm undesirable, etc." It gets ugly.
The funny thing is, that I am waiting, whether I want to or not. I can scream and yell and say, "I don't want to" all I want...but the truth is...nothing's happening, so I AM waiting. When God asks us to wait, I think He's really saying, "Be patient. Don't dwell. Live life in the now and focus on today."
Anyway, I've been stuck in that cycle for some time, and this weekend, I was able to pull my head out of the sand for a second and see some options...thanks to a few unlikely people. :)
Option 1: Accept that it might not happen, and ask God to show me what He has for me.
Option 2: Sit and wallow and waste even more of my life on useless things.
Clearly, option 1 is my best choice. I need to snap out of it. I need to trust Him. I need to stop making plans because they NEVER happen. I wonder how often God laughs at me. :) It's hard to let go though. I'm afraid that by letting go, it means it won't happen, but I can't sit around wondering, thinking about it, trying to figure out where I went wrong, what's wrong with me and why I can't find someone...it's too depressing. I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life waiting for something that may never be. So, time to focus on the now...
Thank you God for all You have given me. I never want to seem ungrateful. You've given me so much, and You always provide my needs. I love You and want what You want for me. So, here I am before You, kneeling again at the foot of the cross, open minded, ready for Your call. I'm listening.
Your daughter,
Kelly
